gamma_guy (gamma_guy) wrote,

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Is it a bird? A plane. No. It's Bibleman. Fucking Bibleman.

Do you ever get upset that the people policing your neighborhood are a bunch of fat donut critics who spend most of their time trying to trick you into speeding tickets? It could be worse. They could be Bibleman.

"Look kids! I'm Bibleman! Damn...I suck."

Imagine you're in a burning building and the person sent to rescue you shows up in purple pantyhose. Or worse, instead of bringing a fire hose, he has the bible. Don't worry, though - while you're burning alive, your rescuer has the fantastic ability to ease your pain and suffering with inspirational hymns and devotionals! You might as well cover yourself in gasoline and try to get it over with quick.

Bibleman himself is portrayed by Willie Aames, who no one remembers from TV's "Eight Is Enough," and even fewer people remember as Buddy Lembeck from "Charles In Charge." The Bibleman video show is described as a "fast-paced, rollicking production, featuring a new kind of hero empowered by the limitless might of Scripture." Hey, I've got news for you, Bibleman. You can quote God all you want, but it's not going to help much against a super-powered villain who's trying to kill you. In fact, it won't even stop a 12 year-old who's trying to steal your lunch money. Even if you're an old lady and your only weapon is a purse, that's one more purse than Bibleman has. While you're hitting him in the head, all he can do is recite a psalm about how the amazing power of God is going to help him find a band-aid later.

If you’re a superhero, being able to quote the Bible is about as useful as being able to successfully break a graham cracker along the line. Whose super dick did Bibleman put in his mouth to get his job as a superhero? It’s tragic enough that the only notable thing about him was his funky crime-fighting helmet, but what’s even worse is that he has no idea. He has absolutely no idea. As far as he can tell, Bibleman is all the superhero the world needs. How does a person dressed like a rodeo clown get so delusional? Any mirror he walks past has to remind him he’s a moron.

What makes the Bibleman character even more pathetic is that it’s not like you have to have fantastic powers to be a superhero. Look at Batman. The only really notable thing about him was the five tool sheds worth of bat crap he somehow jammed into his utility belt. I’ve seen him pull out bat bug spray, bat boomerangs, inflatable bat rafts, 80 feet of bat rope and, if Robin was lucky, tiny bat nipple clips. Batman could fall asleep and his belt would keep fighting crime. If you needed something bat-shaped and stupid, he probably had it in there somewhere. It was amazing. My cable guy only had a couple pliers and some wire on his belt, and it still yanked his pants down to his knees every time he moved.

Bibleman’s Official Teen Sidekick: Biblegirl

It’s a pretty common assumption that Batman and Robin were lovers, but at least Batman tried to hide it. He put a little belt on Robin so he looked like a fellow crime fighter and not just some kid he puts his bat tongue into when there’s no evil to punch. Kids watching the show/cartoon/movie could defend him. They could tell their parents, "No, look. Robin has his own crime belt. I told you he wasn’t Batman's boyfriend."

Bibleman isn’t so clever. He did what just about any other red-blooded male superhero would fantasize about doing: he found a gorgeous teenage girl and wrapped her in skintight yellow spandex.

The whole idea of Biblegirl is irresponsible crime fighting. It’s bad enough to send a 15 year-old girl against homicidal cyborgs with nuclear weapons, but to dress her like a damn signal flare is just asking for a disaster. You just know that any day now a villain is going to think to aim at that helpless, bright yellow target, and Bibleman is going to have to call her parents and explain everything:

Biblegirl's father: Hello?

Bibleman: Hi...this is Bibleman. Yeah. Sorry, you’re probably not going to like this. This morning, I asked your daughter, Biblegirl, to fight a monstrous space fiend, and she...didn’t win.

Biblegirl's mother: What?? No, wait. Start again. Our daughter was Biblegirl??

Bibleman: Yeah, genius. That "disguise" she wore was about as concealing as your mascara.

Biblegirl's mother: Oh, now we're the idiots? Superman’s the one who takes off his glasses and thinks no one will recognize him. Speaking of which, where is he anyway? My kid dies and I get a call from Bibleman? Oh, I’m sooooo honored. Why didn’t you just have a janitor phone it in.

Bibleman: Please folks. I know you’re upset at me for sending your teenage daughter into war without asking, but tell me if there’s anything I can do to help.

Biblegirl's father: No, that’s okay. We’re good. I’m just so…so damn proud of her. She may be dead, Bibleman...I’ll never again see her rosy cheeks, her perfect ass, but...but at least I know she died doing something completely stupid.

Super Rating: 1 out of 10

He’s basically as clumsy, stupid and inept as any other super hero, but without any cool powers to help you forget. I think that’s why he hangs out with Biblegirl. Because when you’re standing next to a hot chick in her purple underwear, the last thing people are going to mention is how useless you are in a fight.